23 Apr G Day Stories: Makeesha

In addition to being a Mom to two amazing girls, G Day Circle Leader Makeesha Fisher is a writer, web designer, graphic artist and writer.

At the end of Michelle Gadd’s G Day Story, she said, “Now when people tell me they don’t know what kind of career to pursue I always ask them, ‘What did you want to be when you were 12?'”. I loved this because it’s so true. There is something magical about the “tween” years; but it’s a magic to which most young adolescents are blind.

I am now a 30-something mom to two girls, one of whom is in that magical stage, and I am looking back at 12-year-old me, not thinking about the advice I would give her but trying to draw from her the wisdom she has to give me.

I can look back now and see what was there. Poured in and spilling out of tween me were endless possibilities – dreams of who I could be, who I wanted to be, and who I knew I didn’t want to become.

There were fantastical imaginings and grounded hopes. There was a deep and intuitive knowing of myself and others. I wanted to be a veterinarian but I knew I couldn’t handle it emotionally so I decided I should be a lawyer; and 12-year-old me knew, beyond any shadow of doubt, that it was 100% completely possible. 30-something me is not a lawyer and is just now figuring out the wisdom 12-year-old me had.

I can see that magic now. I couldn’t see it then.

At the time, I didn’t realize how special the magic was. The glow was dulled by the frustrations of a changing body, emotions running amok, discord with my parents, self-inflicted pressures to be the best at everything, external pressures to have friends and be popular, and a persistent sense that if I could just get through this time, things would get better. I didn’t want to be 10 or 11 or 12. I wanted to be 30-something when I would have it all figured out and not feel so strange.

A strong leader by day, I was plagued with anxiety in my bed at night. A spiritual powerhouse on Sunday, by Wednesday I was hiding from my own doubts and fears and beliefs that ran counter to those fed me by my elders. Sincere confidence easily gave way to angry posturing as self-doubt crept in. The magic was smothered and I never knew it was happening because I was never told it was there in the first place.

One of the goals I have for my daughters, is to help them be fully alive and present in their moment. I want them to fully engage with their “now body” and their “now emotions” and their “now thoughts”. I don’t want them to sleepwalk through their tween years or worse, actively run away from them. I want them to see their own personal magic and encourage it to shine. I want them to be surrounded by fierce women and to participate in encouraging sisterhood. Because I think if they can capture and embrace the magic of being 10, 11 and 12, they won’t have to wait until they’re 30-something to look back and try to remember.